Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Randomize
