i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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