He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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