Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
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