Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
