There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
