I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
