I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
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