Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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