I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
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i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
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