9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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