So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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