My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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