in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
