but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
