I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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