Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
