Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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