naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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