I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
