I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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