An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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