yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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