it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
