I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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