Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
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