Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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