i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
