I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
