Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
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she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
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My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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