this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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