Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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