i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
