i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
