Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
