I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
