I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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