I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
