Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
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