i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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