sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
