saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
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