my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
