Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
splinters make it hard to masturbate
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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