did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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