Pants 0. Shit 1.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I came so hard my ears popped.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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