The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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