sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Randomize
