Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
