OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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