Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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