My Higher Power is John Stamos
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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