the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
