walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
