Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
