OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
