i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
