she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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