My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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