I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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