so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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