Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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